Text conversation between me and my bestie:
Her: “I’m shopping for salt and pepper grinders and they all look like penises.”
Me: “Haha! I’m wondering why exactly that should be. Is that shape so…practical? Or is it that men are designing and they like the visual?  Got to admit the shape is rather…handy!”
Her: “The tops are all bulbous. Maybe this is some sort of Freudian thing on my part…Sometimes a pepper grinder is just a pepper grinder!”
Me: “Ha! And sometimes a penis is just a penis. Just remember: Not all are created equal.”
Her: “Penises or grinders?”
Me: “Either!…You SO knew where I was going with that!”
Her: “Yes :-)”

This is a typical conversation between myself and my brilliant, funny, brilliantly funny friend.  I’m not sharing this to gloat about having such an awesome friend (although I sort of am because you probably don’t have one this awesome.  Don’t feel badly about that.  She is one of a kind and I found her first.  Go and find your own).  I’m offering this as some real life practical advice. Because I care about you. I do.

First off, I meant it when I said “Go and find your own.”  Everyone should have a friend who will compare household items to penises (or vaginas or whatever body part is appropriately conjured-up – except p’s and v’s are always funny.  it wouldn’t be the same if the comparison was to, say, an ear or an elbow).  Whether you’re male or female, if you can’t talk penises with your best friend, then he or she sucks as a best friend and should be demoted. You need a new one. Start working on it asap.

So what about that penis/grinder thing?  My friend makes a valid comparison.  Ok, maybe she has a tiny bit of an issue, but if you peruse the choices for salt and pepper grinders out there, you have to admit that she is onto something. How so, you ask?

Think about it. A typical salt/pepper grinder has a bulbous top which holds salt; below is a long cylinder which holds the peppercorns.  You hold the shaft (I mean cylinder), give it a shake and salt will flow out of the bulbous tip (I mean top), or, holding it with two hands, you twist in opposite directions to grind the peppercorns held in the shaft (I mean CYLINDER.  Sorry! I don’t know why I keep doing that!) which are thereby ground and come out through the bottom.  Let’s review:  a bulbous tip and a long shaft to hold, apply some energy (a little shake, a little grind) and stuff flows.  HMMMM…You getting the picture now?

Some more advice:

When choosing a “grinder,” consider all of your options before making a commitment to one. Decide whether you like salt and pepper in the first place.  Maybe you prefer other seasonings; a spice grinder may be the thing for you. That’s fine, too!  This advice can be applied, whatever you are in the market for.  First, try out a few before you commit.  Take your time with this one!  Remember, you will [likely] only have one [at a time] and you may have it for a LONG time…  Second, consider how often you plan to use it.  Three meals a day? Once a day?  What’s that – you only cook on weekends?  Well OK then… Third, consider how it fits in your spice rack. Size does matter, people! Those who tell you otherwise are lying to you – and themselves)… Fourth, consider how it feels in your hand.  Is the size right for you? Do you like its smoothness/hardness/coolness?…  Fifth, decide if it is aesthetically pleasing to you (it’s not always going to be in your spice rack or hidden away in the dark.  you will see it in the harsh light of day or of a florescent bulb)… SIXTH, determine if it functions to your liking. This is subjective.  Does the salt/pepper come out too fast?  Does it take too much/too little effort to make anything happen at all?  Answering “Yes” to either of the latter two questions may lead to frustration and/or exhaustion on your part.  If that’s the case, be aware that over time you will become less and less inclined to use your new tool, which is not good for you or it.  You’ll both end up rusty (and resentful and you will leave that sorry tool in the back of the pantry where its salt will get all clumpy and will eventually dry up altogether and you’ll finally throw it out and it’ll be no good to anyone after that and you’ll move on to a new grinder and forget all about that old one until it tries to “friend” you on Facebook two years later just to show you how awesome its life got after getting away from your toxic be-atch self).

ANYWAY, feel free to apply these tips when considering the addition of anything new to your life.  Doesn’t matter if it’s a car, a toaster, or a puppy.

In the end, whatever grinder you choose, it should do the job without too much effort. Just a shake and a grind, baby.  If that’s too much effort for you, you can always go for the battery-operated kind…

Personally, I’d go with smooth natural hardwood.  But that’s just me.