So I lost the Bluetooth connection in my car and now I can’t play music from my iPhone through my car speakers.  Bummer.  I’d fix it but I don’t know how and I don’t want to spend the time to figure it out.  It’s like cooking.  When you’re hungry and the goal is to get a meal on the table, you go with a dish you know by heart.  You’re not going to go for that new recipe you’ve been wanting to try. When I’m driving and I want to listen to music, I want to push the “on” button and hear what I like.  Simple.  Foolproof. No fumbling about.  I’m all about immediate gratification.  Now you know one more thing about me.  Make a note of it.

Ok so no music from my phone, but wait!  I have a back-up: CD’s!  Got a 5-disc player, loaded with 5 of my favorites.  Well, they WERE my favorites.  Within two weeks they sounded like nails on a chalkboard, cats in heat, and my persistent attempts to play the violin (hey, it’s not as easy as you think, ok?). So I took them out and loaded 5 new ones, right?  Nope.  Why not, you ask?  Well you don’t necessarily think of the CD’s in your car when you’re not actually IN your car, do you? (Oh, you do?  LIAR!).   I don’t.  You know when I think about them? When I’m driving and I have nothing decent to listen to because I cannot listen to any of those 5 CD’s anymore and probably won’t ever again since I now despise EVERY NOTE of EVERY SONG on EVERY ONE  of ’em.

Which brought me here, to the land of FM radio.  Not satellite radio. Nope.  Good old FM radio.  So many choices! So many commercials! So much blah blah. So much crap music.  Eventually I found a local station that is bearable.  Lots of commercial-free airtime when it counts (which is anytime I’m in my car. Not when YOU’RE in YOU’RE car.  Because this is all about me), and minimal DJ chatter. So all is good with the world, no? Well, there IS one little problem (little like a tick that gets under your skin and feeds off your life’s blood and which, if left unchecked, will make you horribly ill to the point of debilitation).  Here it is, captured in three inoccuous words by the tag line:  “We play everything!”

They say it with such pride!  I say:  And that’s a good thing because…?

Because variety is the spice of life! they say  Because it’s what makes life interesting! they say.   Hey, I LOVE variety! It’s awesome to have choices. That’s why Skittles come in a rainbow of colors (taste the rainbow!) and why we’re not all driving Toyotas (although it looks that way sometimes.  Toyotas or Hondas.  Seriously, have you ever counted them on the road?  There are tons of other cars out there that you can buy, people!  That’s V.A.R.I.E.T.Y).  Variety is also absolutely essential for that American favorite, the all-you-can-eat buffet (which, by the way, is never a good deal.  DON’T FALL FOR IT! …unless you have the metabolism of a hummingbird or your stomach is the size of  my brother’ s head – which everyone knows is freakishly large, and that’s not including his ears).

Variety in the sense of having numerous options is good – when you get to choose (this is kinda key). Variety in the sense of having every option thrown at you haphazardly and without consideration is less good.  Years ago, there were “variety shows” on TV.  They offered a variety of entertainment: skits, musical performances, etc.  Generally they were light fare, mostly comedy.  They didn’t juxtapose a standup comedy routine and, say, a reading from King Lear. That kind of variety wouldn’t work.  Half the people would get up to pee or to fix another Tom Collins during one routine or the other.  Why? Not [only] because King Lear is the suckiest of the Bard’s works (calm down, I’m just using it as an example),  but because if you’re into Shakespeare you may not dig raunchy standup comedy and even if you love both, you ‘re not gonna be feelin the iambic pentameter on the heels of a Russell Brandt standup routine.

Variety in music…well music IS variety in a sense.  It’s different notes strung together in new and different ways (try that sometime, Robin Thicke!).  And there is a variety of musical genres: rock, blues, country, rap (which in my opinion is missing the letter “c” in front of it.  Hey, I said it’s my opinion.  Talk about your opinion on your own blog).  I enjoy listening to all kinds of music, but I don’t necessarily want to listen to them all at the same time (I like sushi and lasagna and French fries but I wouldn’t want to eat them all in the same sitting! You know what I’m sayin’?).

Ok, so I’m in my car.  Just me and “We Play Everything!”  I’m a captive audience.  And it’s going pretty well.  I’m singing along- Tom Petty, Police, REM,…Prince. Wait what?  Oh, ok. I love Prince.  Next is…awww, geez…AC/DC?  Ok, I’m ok…. Then… The Red Hot Chili Peppers.   And I’m a little confused.  Then Barenaked Ladies.  And I’m starting to feel like Linda Blair in the Exorcist.  Next up, The Beastie Boys.  Excellent. (No!Sleep!TilBrooklyn!). And I’m recovered,  I’m into it!  At a fever pitch!  And then…freakin’ REO  Speedwagon.  WTF?! Are you effing kidding me???  What the hell just happened???  At that point my brain short circuited and my ears started to bleed (no, not literally. I don’t think REO Speedwagon could make your ears actually bleed, but I think they could bleed if the contents of your skull burst, which is what it felt like happened inside my head).  Then I just wanted to drive my car into a ditch or into the car in front of me (Then I would sue the shit out of “WPE”  (“We Play Everything.”  Took me long enough to figure that out, right?) for my brain/ear bleed and for the damage to my car.  If I hurt anyone or anything else, I’d plead insanity due to the Irresponsible Variety of WPE.  That’d teach ’em.  There’d be a new criminal charge in the Penal Code:  Irresponsible Variety (IV).  I LIKE IT!).

You see, this kind of variety is NOT ok.  This variety is a bit schizo and  royally frustrating. Choose an identity, WPE.  Make a commitment for Pete’s sake (Pete, if you’re reading this, I apologize if I offended you by using your name in vain).  Give your work a some thought, don’t just recklessly throw shit out to the masses for us to gobble up like starving …(?  Help me out here.  I don’t know what eats shit. My dog eats rabbit shit, but that doesn’t seem to work here).  And then change that freakin’ tag line.  It’s nothing to brag about. It’s like saying something’s “good enough.” Good enough compared to what?  Nothing at all? Prison food?  Well THAT’s a ringing endorsement.  Whatever you’re selling, I’m not buying.

Oh, yes, The Game of Variety can be a dangerous game, indeed.  Tread cautiously, ye purveyors of everything.  To WPE:  Consider this:  If I like the 1980’s Bon Jovi thing, don’t force feed me Michael Jackson. Have mercy!  I might like a ballad, but not if you’ve been rockin me out to some hard core metal. Take me down easy!  Don’t lead me on like that, building up my confidence,  my expectations, taking me to the heights of my awesome groove, just to let me plummet. It’s like going right up to the very edge and then…pulling out.  Mostly frustrating and not so effective.  I might have once been convinced it would work (like in the backseat when I was 17), but I know better now.  So should you.