Last week, the Presbyterian Church announced its acceptance of gay marriage.  GO PRESBIES!  I’m not going to get into the politics of this topic here.  Let me just say IT’S ABOUT FREAKIN’ TIME! The rest of them are all like “Those pesky Presbyterians! Making us look bad!”  Dontcha love how they all preach about inclusiveness and how God loves ALL his children and then they interpret God’s word in their own special way?  Maybe they’re thinking “Hey! We wrote it how WE say God said it, and, dammit WE’LL tell you what He meant. Nanananabooboo!”

I’m truly happy that gay marriage is starting to be accepted by religious groups and by state legislatures.  Let’s not forget that little ideal we call separation of Church and State. Let’s keep it real, ok?  Religion aside, government has no basis for denying any couple the legal right to marry.  My opinion.

Let’s face it, marriage is first a construct of government.  Starting with tribal society.  People lived in clans, right?  Like any species.  Think flocks, herds, prides, gaggles, and the like.  So why did the idea of marriage come about?  To maintain some kind of order. Love had nothing to do with it.  Basically, some guy (of course it was a guy.  who are you kidding?) got tired of taking care of some other guy’s kids, and he complained , and other guys said “Yeah! That’s bullshit!”  Then the whole group of them (who were probably all tribal losers because of course there have always been losers) went to the tribal elders and bitched until they convinced the elders to figure that shit out.  So the elders came up with this idea:  Since the women and children need the hunting gathering men to provide for them, let’s do this:  The man picks a woman he wants to mate with and agrees to be responsible for her and their children.  Everyone else recognizes this union, by either some painful ritual or some awesome party involving hallucinogenic herbs.  The men think this is an excellent idea since they don’t have to share the burden of the entire tribe (communism anyone? social welfare programs, anyone?),  they only need to be responsible for their own, but they can still fuck their neighbor’s wife if they want to, at least if they’re the tough guys cause no one will challenge them, plus it wasn’t a sin because sin hadn’t been invented yet.  it just made them dicks.  The women hate it because now they’re stuck with the one guy forever and he’s probably one hairy smelly beast, but then they realize that forever’s not so long for a hunter gatherer since there’s a very good chance he’ll be impaled by a wild boar or something before the next full moon.  “Til death do us part” takes on a whole new meaning now, doesn’t it?

Anyway, my point here is that marriage was a social construct created to impose order on society.  It had nothing to do with love.  I believe in love, yes; marriage, not so much. It’s the whole mating for life thing.  My theory is that humans, as a species, are not meant to mate for life.  Think about it:  Most species don’t.  Males and females mate with a partner who will create the strongest offspring with the best chance of survival, to ensure the continuation of the species.  The end.  Why should humans be different?  We are a species like all others, except that at this moment in time we are at the top of the food chain (at least on dry land).  Consider our relationships.  When we’re young and in our child-bearing years, we couple but avoid procreation at all costs (we call it dating) as a method of weeding out the weak ones until we find the right mate who will make strong healthy children for survival of the species.  It’s in our DNA;  we’re programmed for this stuff!   Once those offspring leave the proverbial nest, the job is done and we don’t really need the same traits in a mate, so…Yep, you guessed it! That, boys and girls, is why divorce was invented! Are you seeing the simple truth of this?  We date, we mate, together we raise our offspring, they leave the nest, and we split up because that union has played out its purpose. From an evolutionary standpoint does this not make perfect sense?  Would it not explain why more than 50% of marriages end in divorce? We are just not meant to mate for life – anymore.  Don’t forget, life just wasn’t always this long (true that.  human lifespans were shorter for lots of reasons so there were more, natural opportunities for re-coupling. now some folks create their own opportunities.  the unnatural kind.  I call it “spousicide.” and why so desperate?  because it’s way more difficult to get out of a marriage than it was to get in.  really? freakin’ blunt force trauma to the head and diggin’ a hole in the backyard is easier?  apparently so.  and that’s no accident, people.  it was set up this way.  that’s the man keepin’ some order in society). Add to this the fact that so many women are now in the workforce.  Who needs the hunter gatherer now?  Women can bring home the bacon AND fry it up in a pan.  (Can I get an AMEN, sistas?).    So right there, POOF! The whole purpose for which marriage was created is eliminated.  DAMN!  I LOVE a well-supported theory!!!

So why do we keep doing it? [And some of us do it over and over…and expect a different outcome…Wait a sec.  Isn’t that the definition of insanity?] Maybe the idea of marriage is just too ingrained in the fabric of human society.  Maybe we can’t give it up because somewhere along the line we put the love in it.  Maybe we are inherently romantic.  Or practical.  Or maybe we are all just pathetically hopeful that there really is just one prince or one princess and a happily ever after…[Thank you, Walt freakin’ Disney].

So, gay or straight, as I just say:  Marriage is a fine institution…We should all be committed.