While we’re on the subject…

I like the Brazilian.  No, not the steakhouse. You know, the wax. Down there.  Everything but the landing strip (because looking like a prepubescent girl is not my thing.  I find it kinda creepy). Add this to the list of things you know about me.

Don’t ask me why I even ventured down the dark path.  Curiosity?  Peer pressure?  It started with the bikini wax.  It was good, but it was like marijuana, you know, a gateway drug (HA!).  From there I just kept going  – tighter and tighter. Pot to coke.  I just kept chasing that high, man.  Eventually it wasn’t enough. I made the jump.  That’s right. The Brazilian. The crack of waxes.

For the uninitiated, the process of hair removal by waxing goes like this:  Step 1) Prepare the area by trimming the hair.  It must be long enough for the wax to grab, but not too long. Figure it out;                         Step 2) Using what appears to be a tongue depressor (no kidding), apply hot wax to to the hair, a section at a time (not the candle kind of wax – so don’t go melting candles on yourself or your friends.  unless you’re into that);  Step 3)  Lay a strip of cloth on top, rubbing it down and then…Step 4) In one quick motion, pull the cloth in the opposite direction of the hair growth.  The result?  The cloth sticks to the wax which sticks to the hair and…OUCH!  Repeat this over and over until you have a completely clean work surface.

Ok.   Who invented this??? The Japanese as a torture method during the war?  Seriously, this could replace waterboarding.  Remember when you were a kid and you’d get a Band-Aid stuck to some hairs on your arm and you were afraid to take it off because you knew it was going to hurt like a bastard?  You’d try anything to avoid violently ripping it (and the hair) off?  Well imagine that DOWN THERE. And paying someone to do it.  Uh huh. Now you’re getting it, Marquis de Sade.  That said, it’s quick (so there’s that).  It’s not that I’m into pain. It’s just that the end result is….well, it’s good.  Real good.

As I lay on the waxing table at my last appointment, half naked and legs contorted, I wondered why the hairless pelvis came to be so popular (no more bearded clams, my friends). You know why?  One word:  PORN.  Porn is responsible (add it to the list of appetizers porn has put on the menu of everyday folk.  Along with dressing up like Catholic school girls, and ass done three ways. Actually I think the Romans are responsible for that one.  Actually both of them).  And that’s cool, but let’s think about it for a sec…There is a practical reason for it in porn. It’s all about the “Money Shot.” That perfect frame of film where we can see it all perfectly clearly, without obstruction.  The whole business. Play by glistening play (feel free  to substitute your own favorite adjective).  ‘Cause that’s what makes it so hot, right? Ummmm……Perhaps.  [we just covered this – see prior post]  Different strokes for different folks, I guess.  The guys in porn do it too because….that’s right!  It makes their penises look bigger!  And bigger is better.  We all agree on that (and don’t say size doesn’t matter because it certainly does. Does anyone really believe it doesn’t?  that LIE was obviously spread by a guy with a small dick who was trying to make himself feel better – and better able to get some ass.  there is a lesser known but more compelling expression:  “If you can’t touch bottom, you better be banging the hell out of the sides.”  there you go. just throwing some hope out there for you. you know who I’m talking to.  Work it).

Seriously, if you’re not planning to be in films, why go through it? Ain’t no one taking that close a look.   Are you on call for the Money Shot? For most of us, no. But now the bar has been set.  There are young men out there who have never been with a woman with pubic hair.  If this keeps up, staying in our more natural state will fall outside of our “porn norm” and those who choose not to submit will be outcasts, shunned and gettin’ none. OR maybe they’ll be kickass rebels who won’t answer to the man, who’ll opt out and start a movement of free love and full bushes (Just say NO to depilatories!), who’ll live in communes and camp out and smoke weed and…uh-oh.  the gateway drug!  NOOOOOO…..next thing you know they’ll move on to coke and then, you know, it’s on to the rock, and they’ll need more cash so they’ll start doin’ porn…

Anyway…

OK, I have to be honest. There are some pluses to the wax. For a guy, a clean package not only looks “manly” which is a good thing (see prior post – which also relates to my whole theory of evolution.  see prior prior post); it has practical implications as well.  It solves an age-old problem.  If you can’t guess it, let me just say I already floss twice a day, and I prefer the minty kind.  Wink-wink, ladies. Same goes for us girls.  Maybe if it didn’t take a John Deere to get there, more men would eat at the Y.  A man likes a clean work surface.  So I’ve heard.

That said, why is it the norm for a woman to groom her pubes but most men don’t provide us with the same courtesy?  We bear your children, dammit. Now this?  How much pain do we have to endure for your benefit?  Personally, I’d like to see a little more reciprocation.  Just saying.’

Truth be told, no one’s gonna turn down the sex because of poor grooming. It’s not like you’re gonna take your pants off and he/she is gonna be like:  “Oh, wow…uh, yeah, this isn’t gonna work. It’s not you, it’s me.  I’m just not into that whole Clan of the Cave Bear thing you got going on.”  So I say, if you’re going to      wax on-wax off,  do it for the right reasons…your own selfish reasons.  Don’t cave to pressure or follow someone else’s ideals or ideas of “normal” or of beauty.  EVER.  If they don’t dig you as your are, fuck’em.  Or fuck’em anyway.

Personally, I was thinking I’d quit.  Not because of the porn thing or to make a statement.  My principles are not that haughty. I actually don’t mind porn (the acting is stellar, and the storylines are so…well-developed).  I just thought I’d go back to a more natural state.  You know, keeping it real. I gotta say, it wasn’t workin’ for me.  I’m not into goin’ all tribal (I don’t even like camping).  It’s like my front yard:  I like some curb appeal.  I like a well-manicured lawn, bushes neatly trimmed.  A little landscaping.

…I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.