It’s 10a.m.  and I’m thinkin’:  Is it too early to start drinkin’?

I wonder…Are there guidelines for the imbibing of alcoholic beverages?

If so, what are they (I apparently missed the memo)?  If not, maybe it’d be a good idea to have some.  Some of us have a hard time with socially acceptable behavior.

Here’s what I’m thinking: [night or shift workers – modify as necessary]

Let’s start with the “when.” I think we can all agree that noon or later is absolutely acceptable, if circumstances permit.  But what about the morning hours?  Here’s where I have trouble.  Maybe there should be a sliding scale.  For example, 10 a.m. – 12 p.m. is “questionably acceptable” (translate as: most folks will cringe, pity you, or suspect you have a “problem”.  You will be shunned by your colleagues at your morning staff meetings, and you’ll probably get the entire pew to yourself at Sunday mass. Neither of which is necessarily a bad thing. Heck, you can’t even buy liquor before noon on Sunday. Do they really think that stops people from drinking on Sunday mornings?  I don’t think that’s gonna do it. What’s the intent of that law, anyway?  So you’ll make it to church?  If that’s the intent then they shouldn’t sell liquor on Saturday night. Now THAT would  give God a better chance of seeing you on Sunday morning.  And what about that whole water into wine thing? And the Blood of Christ.  The Sunday liquor law seems a little hypocritical.  Just sayin’).

Now drinking before 10 a.m. would likely fall into the “frowned upon” category.  UNLESS you are still drinking from the night before.  Say it’s Friday night and you’re gettin’ your drink on and once it’s on, you keep it on. It’s an all night PAR-TAY.  Before you know it,  it’s Saturday morning and…did somebody say Jell-O shots?   You get the picture.  I say this is AOK morning drinking.  Careful, though.  Too any nights like this and someone’s staging an intervention.  Be super suspicious of any pop-up family dinners or requests to “help a friend move.”

Another exception:  Medicinal purposes.  Consider this variation of my Friday night scenario: Before you know it, the sun’s up and you emerge from the darkness like the Count himself.  You know the feeling.  Only one smart thing to do here… Have another beer!  You see, the problem with drinking arises when you STOP drinking. Am I right?  Obviously you will have to stop at some point cause if you don’t you’ll be on a slippery slope downward spiral showing up late for work (in the clothes you wore yesterday), having meaningless irresponsible sex, eventually losing your job, alienating your friends, and moving in with an acquaintance (bad) or your parents (worse),  all of which will only cause you to drink more.

SIGH…

OK.  Back to the guidelines…

Vacation:  Anytime is a fine time?  Do the guidelines apply?   I say yes, and no, respectively. Of course this depends on your itinerary.  Probably not a good idea to start drinking before that scuba certification class or that 26-mile hike along the Appalachian Trail.

Not on vacation, but you have the day off from work (weekends included):   See “Vacation” above.

Now let’s consider the “where.”  Drinking at home (yours or someone else’s):  Fine in the evening, late afternoon, at lunch or brunch.  Morning?  OK, if you can squeeze it in under “brunch.”  That’s like the only real benefit about doing brunch.  You can drink with your pancakes and eggs.  Drinking at a bar/restaurant:  Obviously the time you can drink “out” will be dictated by the business hours of the establishments you frequent.  I say if it’s open, then it must be an ok time to drink.

What about the “what?”  Should there be different guidelines for beer, wine and hard liquor?  Brown liquor and clear liquor? Straight-up or mixed?  If I had a shot of tequila at 9 a.m. (just to take the edge off) would you judge me differently than if I had, say, a Bloody Mary (the breakfast of champions)?  I say there shouldn’t be a difference.  But there is, isn’t there? Seems to me there’s something social about Mary that a shot of Patron just doesn’t have.

What’s left?  A “why?”  Do we really need a reason? Does the reason matter?  OK, drinking just to get drunk is never a good idea. Why? Because all the things you wanted to forget by getting hammered are still there when you sober up.  Plus then you have such a wicked hangover that you can barely get up to pee, so now your troubles are a million times harder to face. Plus you have to face new ones like the stranger sleeping next to you and getting home from this motel three towns over when you can’t find your car keys but that’s not an issue ’cause you can’t find your freakin’ car anyway…So any other reason is good enough, right?    OK. ‘Nough said.

I preface these guidelines with a question:  Who’s askin’?  If you’re a schoolteacher on a school day (at MY kid’s school), I say you have to wait til that dismissal bell rings.  Sorry – you guys probably need to start earlier than any of us; the universe should bestow blessings on you every day. Or if you’re a surgeon, or my dentist who’s doing my 7:30 a.m. root canal – I don’t even want you drinking the night before.  You get it. Let’s use common sense here, people (remember that?  The “seventh sense?” Less common than the sixth.  Most of us have it but we don’t know it because we don’t use it enough).

So, let’s see…IF I had the day off from work today, it WOULD be ok IF I had a splash of Bailey’s Irish Cream in my coffee at, say, 10:05 a.m., because I like how it tastes.  Right?  PHEW!  I feel better now.

Oh, look at the time!  Barkeep, next round’s on me!

P.S.  You guys, please drink responsibly. I care about you. I do. I also don’t want anyone reading this to freak out and think I’m advocating drinking (which I’m not not doing if you are of legal age and you want to and you do it responsibly).