So I’m driving to work the other day in bumper to bumper traffic and this guy is tailgating everyone, blowing his horn, trying to find the fastest lane. Obviously he had somewhere to be.  Unlike the rest of us. Then he gets behind me, right on my ass. And it pisses me off. I look in my rearview and he’s waving for me to get out of his way. I throw my arms up and I yell at him (in my mirror )”Where the fuck do you want me to go, asshole?!” [For the record, this is a noun I strongly dislike and rarely use.  I tell you this not as an apology, but to let you know the intensity of my emotion]. Frustrated, he switches lanes again. And again.  I keep tabs on him until he gets off the highway and all the while this scene is playing over and over in my head: He’s on my bumper. I put my car in park,  get out, and calmly walk over to his door.  I open it, pull him out by his shirt… and I punch him squarely in the face. Then I [calmly] walk back to my car and drive away. That was it. I just really wanted to PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE. Wanted it so bad, I thought about it all day (Is that bad?).

Now I’m not a violent person (or am I?).  There’s obviously something about driving in traffic that turns people. I mean, I actually curse people I don’t know, curse their souls and the souls of their mothers. It’s ugly and scary and out of my control. None of us is immune. We even gave it a name, like a medical condition: Road Rage. Merriam-Webster defines it as: “a motorist’s uncontrolled anger that is usually provoked by another motorist’s irritating act and is expressed in aggressive or violent behavior.” Should read “uncontrollable anger.”  It just happens. Like a twitch. Or breathing.

Let’s examine this more closely. First, what qualifies as “irritating?” Sounds subjective. However if it’s in the dictionary definition of another word, there must be certain universal irritants. Here are my top four:  Tailgating. Rubbernecking. Getting cut off.  Car ahead stops short for no apparent reason (Avoiding a squirrel is not good reason. Unless it’s being carried by a small child.  Or any child.  OK…or a grown-up.  Geez.  Happy now?).  These make your list too?  Of course. Universally irritating.

Now my pet peeves: #1:  Driving below the speed limit, especially on the highway. Holy dear God, this makes me freakin’ insane. I know, the speed limit is the max speed you ‘re supposed to go, but shouldn’t there be a minimum speed? Hey, some clubs have a two-drink minimum, right? You have to pony-up for the right to enjoy the facilities.   I don’t care what lane you’re in – if you can’t drive at highway speed, stay off the freakin’ highway. ‘Cause going 50 when the speed limit’s 65 (and cars are going 80) is a hazard.  This applies to side streets as well.  If you can’t manage the speed limit, get a freakin’ bicycle.  Better yet, take the damn bus.

Peeve #2:  Driving slow in the left lane. Here’s the thing about the left lane: It’s for passing. You get in the left lane to pass the slower cars and then move back. You don’t  get in the left lane and then go the same speed as the cars you’re supposed to be passing. That’s messed up. [Do you really not see that lane of cars you’re jamming up behind you? Do you take some sick pleasure in that?  Maybe it’s the only time in your pathetic life that you can impose your will upon others. Hey, work that shit out somewhere else] Listen, the left lane is a commitment, people.  If you can’t hang with the big kids, get out of their way. Or else…they will curse your children and wish a pox upon your house.  Or worse.  You never know who you’re dealing with out there.  This road rage thing is real.  Just sayin.’

But why “uncontrolled anger” expressed in “aggressive or violent behavior?” We’re not talking about getting a tad annoyed here. We’re talking baseball bat PO’d.  Run-someone-off-the-road mad. Maybe we just can’t abide stupidity behind the wheel of a potentially lethal weapon. After all, if you fuck up, you can KILL someone.  Now THAT’s gonna ruin everyone’s day.

While that might be enough to inspire rage, I realized that something else happens when I’m driving, maybe it happens to you too:  I get weirdly competitive.  Now I’m not a competitive person (or am I?), but behind the wheel…well…Apparently I have something to prove.  I don’t want to be the last car in the pack (Hey, I can hang!).   I don’t like it when other cars pass me ( Oh, yeah?  Wanna race?).  I absolutely hate it when other cars slip in that little gap between me and the car in front of me (Really?  What do I look like…the weakest link??? Do I give off the victim vibe?). This I cannot abide.  I confess, I curse those drivers.  Sometimes I even do the very douchebaggiest thing:  I speed up to close the gap between my car and the car in front of me so no one can cut in.  I know that’s totally shitty and ridiculous.  Can’t help it.  Hey, I didn’t start it! The other guy did (you can tell when someone’s gonna go for the cut in).  Listen, if there’s plenty of room and he uses his directional, I’m cool with that.  Otherwise, no.  No I’m not.  He is NOT getting ahead of me.  There.  I said it.  I said it for all of you (you’re welcome) ’cause you know exactly what I’m talking about and you do the same thing.

[SIGH]  If only everyone followed my Rules of the Road (Part 1)…

Now that I’ve established that I am both violent and competitive (I swear these traits only manifest when I’m driving.  I think), what to do about it?  Here’s my new strategy:  I get my Zen on. I take a deep breath, laugh, and say “Whatever.  Knock yourself out. I’m not in that much of a hurry…@$$?^#%!”

Well…I’m workin’ on it.